New Year’s Day is a lot of pressure.
Whether or not you make a big deal out of it, you can’t help but take stock of your life. And you also can’t help but set yourself up for failure. Resolutions are a fool’s game for me. I make them every year, but I know in my heart there is no way I am going to exercise every day, eat out only 3 times per week, and learn how to meditate. Maybe what’s important is that I’m aware of it? Ugh. This is stupid. I feel like Bridget Jones when she says, “lose weight and drink less, obviously” while standing on a scale downing a huge goblet of Chardonnay in my underwear. I.E. PATHETIC AS F*CK.
So, this year, as it is officially the LAST year of my 20’s, I’ve decided to try something a little more fun instead of resolutions. A 2016 “Bucket List”.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been a goodie two shoes all my life. My mother still remembers the ONE and only tantrum I ever had as a child, that’s how little I acted out. Even in college the worst thing I did was get sick from drinking too much a couple times. Despite living a bohemian lifestyle (i.e. being poor) and a few ‘almosts’, I’ve never smoked ANYthing, never slept with anyone I wasn’t in LOVE with, no tattoos, no piercings save for my ears which didn’t even happen till 9th grade, never cheated on a test, no torrid love affairs, nuthin’.
So, I’ve decided to make a LAST CHANCE TWENTIES BUCKET LIST of “All the Crazy Shit I Need to Do While I’m Still in my 20’s so I Can Tell My Kids, ‘Oh, you’re supposed to find yourself and experiment in your 20’s’ and Get Away With It Because My Frontal Cortex Isn’t Fully Developed Yet, Blah, Blah, You Get It.”
For personal reasons, I’ve decided to keep the full list private. But I will share that there are 10 things on it, and all of them are TERRIFYING to me. Some of them are about my personal life, some of them are seemingly small and silly, some of them are rebellious and crazy. But the big goal at the end of the list I WILL share:
Hike Macchu Picchu Before I Turn 30 this November.
All of the things on my list terrify me, but it terrifies me more to think I’m going to arrive at 40 and realize I never really took advantage of this time of my life. And yes, that last goal is a biggie, I know. And here’s why it’s more important than anything else on the list:
For reasons I don’t understand, hiking the Inca Trail is something I’ve always been drawn to. I’ve always meant to do it, but it got put off for one reason or another. I don’t know why it stuck with me as this looming presence of unfinished business. I’ve never been to Peru, let alone South America- I don’t even hike, really- but there’s just something about saying you’ve hiked the Inca Trail that immediately sounds like you’re an interesting person who does interesting things.
As soon as I wrote down that last goal, I began to feel better. I now have something, however unrelated to the rest of my life path, to work towards. This is a difficult but attainable goal I’ve set for myself. The other stuff is mostly just bragging rights. This one- this is the one that counts.
I also began to feel anxious. Now that I’ve written down this goal, it is REAL. Which means, there is a very real possibility I will fail. I may not achieve this. It’s 100% my own doing whether or not I accomplish this. I’m scared shitless of my own demons ruining it. I can hear my little Kelsey-Monster inside whispering, “you’re lazy at heart and you know it”, “you’re going to blow this off just like every other goal”, “you have no follow through”…
So yeah, no pressure. I’ve basically made whether or not I make this happen the key to my self-worth. But at the core of it, I know I have the power to make this happen for myself. And I’m deciding to try.